I figured I'd list 30 so we'd almost always have one to blame for each new day of the month. If there are 31 days in any given month, just cycle back to number 1.
How to use this list:
Print it out. Cut each number up onto its own little slip of paper. Put them in a jar. Each day when you're wondering why you haven't sold anything, pull a slip of paper out and get your answer.
1) George W. Bush. Yup. Everything's his fault.
2) Barack Obama. Freaking socialist. Screwing up all this wonderful capitalism on Etsy.
3) The economy. Seriously people. Look around. Nobody has a job. Nobody has money. Why do they want your stuff when you have the nerve to charge them money for it in these tough times?
4) Relevancy- need I say more?
5) Recency- need I say more?
6) Resellers. Why would people buy my stuff on Etsy when they can buy Target's products here too? I mean seriously, what do I have that can compete with stuff from Target? It's so much easier for people to buy those things on Etsy than it is to just drive to their local Target.
7) Undercutters. Yes undercutters. I mean you. Everyone has their own reasons for naming a price. But I haven't seen William Shatner here so I'm pretty fricking sure this ain't Priceline. If you want to sell something that took you 22 hours to make for $10, you and I are going to have a problem. I'll meet you outside after school after the bell rings. Alone.
8) The weather. If it's hot, they don't want your stuff. If it's cold, they don't want it either. So strap yourselves in because whatever the season people ain't buyin what you're sellin.
9) Your prices are too high. You think folks want to pay $50 for some yarn tied in a bunch of knots? I don't care if it looks like a hat. It's a bunch of yarn. In knots.
10) Your prices are too low. Hmm. That item looks like a lot of work. Why are you only charging me $5 for it? Oh, probably because you live in a crack house and have swine flu. Yeah, I don't trust it. I'm going to go buy it from someone who will charge me $20 for the same exact thing.
11) People are stupid.
12) The internet is broken. Yes. The whole internet. Call Al Gore. I heard he can fix it.
13) You're never on the front page.
14) You're never in gift guides.
15) You're never a featured seller.
16) You're never in Etsy finds.
17) No one liked you in high school.
18) They don't like you here either.
19) People need to see your items in person to appreciate them. Okay, maybe not that underwear made out of cream corn, but you know what I'm saying.
20) You have your items on a gasp, real person, in your listing photos. I mean, come on. That necklace was completely sterile and free of all bacteria until you let it touch that ugh, HUMAN! Now it's no good. Sorry. Game over.
21) You are not showing your items on a human. How can I tell if those panties will look good on me when the mannequin doesn't have a spotty arse like mine? It's false advertising.
22) Your photos are too dark. Yes, yes, I know you're selling a lamp that glows in the dark. But still, your photos are just way too dark dude.
23) You need more items in your shop. Would you keep going back to Home Depot if they only had six flashlights and a pile of shingles in stock? I thought not.
24) You have too many items in your shop. I mean really, those huge stores like Walmart with tons and tons of items in tons and tons of different categories are never going to be successful. Nobody looks past the first five aisles. Oh, uh, wait...
25) Your items are aimed at too narrow of a market. I'm sure if there were more professional football players from Tasmania shopping on Etsy your tasmanian football helmets would be doing much, much better. Honest.
26) You have to go find your target market. No, I'm not going to tell you who they are or how you'll recognize them, but trust me, you have to find them. And fast.
27) Don't rely on Etsy to make your shop successful. I mean, I know we're on Etsy, and we pay money to Etsy and are here because it's well, Etsy. But yeah, don't count on them for a thing. If anything, pretend like they're working against you. You'll be better off.
28) It's a slow time of year. Maybe not for everyone else, but for you, that's the time of year it is.
29) You haven't built up enough momentum. So take all your inventory in your arms, put it in a shopping cart and send it down a hill to get some momentum going. Report back in the forums after the sales start rolling in.
30) You're not in the US. Just because people in your own country wouldn't buy it, doesn't mean that Americans are dumb enough to (hard to believe, I know).